From Rock Bottom to Starting Again
- Feb 16
- 4 min read
You might like to start with my earlier posts: From Salsa Dancing to Swine Flu, From Swine Flu to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and From Chronic Fatigue Syndrome to Rock Bottom, which share my life leading up to catching Swine Flu, how my health gradually declined, my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome diagnosis and how my life continued to spiral downwards.
Content note: This post includes a difficult moment, including a severe panic attack and thoughts of not wanting to go on. Please take care while reading.
Boxed in and frozen
I was sitting on my kitchen floor gasping for breath. Everything was closing in on me. I had reached my limit. My heart was racing. I couldn’t slow down my breathing. The house was silent. I was curled tightly in a ball, as small as I could go, hunched into the corner. I could see no way out.
Then I looked up from the floor, around the small room, and saw the knife block. Could I get up there?
But then there was one clear thought in my head. My son! If I ended my life now, what would that do to him? What impact would that have on his life? I stayed rooted to the floor.
A first glimmer of hope
Then a text message came from a friend who knew what I was going through:
‘Hi sweetheart, how are you doing today?’
‘Not good.’ I replied.
Her immediate response was, ‘I’ll be round in five minutes.’
By the time she arrived, I had managed to ease my stiff body from the floor. I have no idea how long I was down there for. She brought coffee, a big hug, and my favourite chocolate muffins.
My memory of the rest of that day is fuzzy. I know I wanted someone to whisk me away, look after me, and deal with everything for me. I even started to pack a bag to take with me! However, in this reality, Fairy Godmothers don’t exist. But, thankfully, good friends with big hearts and lots of love to give do very much exist. Thanks to her, a mental health crisis team came out to me. They helped me understand that I was overwhelmed by trying to take everything in at once. My only mission at that moment was to get through to the next morning. I didn’t know it then, but this was when I first learned to take things one step at a time.
Stagnant to Whirlwind
The weeks after that were spent mostly trying to get through each day the best I could. On some days that looked like getting washed and dressed; others, I was under the duvet trying to hide from all the pain. What was consistent, though, was my friend’s support; she checked in with me every single day. Her messages were a steady thread of care and connection.
Then things began to shift. I had a call from the council about a place for me to live. Suddenly I needed to do more than just try to survive each day. Life shifted from standing still to a whirlwind of decisions, packing, and trying to organise a move when I barely had the energy to think. But it gave me something to focus on and work towards.
Starting Again with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
A few months after my crisis point, I moved into my social housing bungalow. This felt like a turning point, the first home that was solely mine to live in, somewhere without memories of the past. Once my social security benefits were in place, my debts sorted, and I was all moved in, it felt like I could breathe again. Living with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome had shaped so much of the previous years that I hadn’t yet had the space to properly process what it had taken from me, and I was only just beginning to understand what starting again with a chronic illness really meant. I was finally able to grieve my losses.
My focus, time, and energy could now be spent on myself.
If this post has brought anything up for you
Writing about the lowest point of my life has been difficult, but important. I believe in being honest about those moments, including the times when things felt overwhelming and I struggled to see a way forward.
If reading this has brought up difficult thoughts or feelings for you, please don’t face them alone. Support is available:
UK: Samaritans, call 116 123 or visit samaritans.org
International: Find support in your country through findahelpline.com
Reaching out for support can be a difficult first step, but you don’t have to carry everything by yourself.
And, to my friend with a big heart and endless patience, I love you! xxxx
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