Maybe the Square Peg Was Never the Problem
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
Updated: 16 hours ago
Exploring what it means to feel like a square peg in a round hole
In my last couple of therapy sessions, I’ve been exploring my experience of always feeling ‘wrong’, like I’ve spent my whole life as a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I explained that I’ve often wondered whether the parts of me that I felt were ‘wrong’ were personality traits that I should be trying to either accept or change, or whether they were part of something else. I was wondering if I needed to explore whether or not I was neurodivergent, and if a diagnosis would be helpful to me or not. Or whether I simply needed to learn to love and embrace myself just as I am. I want to be clear that I’m exploring my own thoughts and experiences here, not trying to define anyone else’s.
The questions that changed my perspective
My therapist is very good at asking just the right questions to help me look at things from a different perspective. They asked me to consider the following:
What would it mean to me to be diagnosed as neurodivergent?
What would it mean to me to be diagnosed as not neurodivergent?
My answer to the first question was that then I wouldn’t see the way I am as my fault. Not being to blame for who I am would be a relief. It would maybe make it easier for me to accept myself as I am. Instead of trying to be something that I am not.
The second question scared me a little, I hadn’t even considered that scenario. I wasn’t completely set on getting tested for a specific diagnosis. I was simply wanting to explore the thoughts I had been having around this. But I think I might feel a little lost in this scenario, believing that I had character flaws I needed to make an effort to change.
Personality traits, flaws, or something else?
I looked at what I had sometimes criticised about myself. At times I can be too direct. I care deeply about honesty and fairness. I sometimes take longer to process things or take words quite literally. I don’t always instinctively understand the unspoken rules that seem obvious to other people.
I have imperfections, like everyone else. But imperfections are not the same thing as being flawed. With gentle prompting from my therapist, I started to question whether the things I had labelled as flaws were actually just parts of who I am. Parts that I should embrace instead of criticise.
Looking at these traits through a different lens, they didn’t seem quite so negative after all. The same honesty that can make me blunt also means people know where they stand with me. The same tendency to process things carefully that can make me slower to respond also means I think things through. The same desire to understand social expectations comes from wanting to treat people well.
It’s interesting how quickly we can label something as a flaw, in ourselves or in others, when it might simply be a difference.
Not good or bad, just different.
Do these differences point to some kind of neurodivergence, or are they just part of my personality? Or, are these just one and the same thing and defining a line between the two isn’t necessary for me?
Labels, diagnoses, and understanding ourselves
There are a couple of people close to me who have received neurodivergent diagnoses. One of them was just past her 50th birthday. For each of them, the diagnosis was really helpful. It led to treatment, help, support, necessary adjustments and a greater understanding of themselves, and maybe even some element of peace. Labels can be useful tools, and a diagnosis can be vital in enabling someone to get the support that they need. For some people, a diagnosis can be life changing. But a diagnosis or label is not the whole person.
A diagnosis is not the whole person
My brother has dyslexia, which is classed as neurodivergent, something I only learned recently. I don’t see him as a label or diagnosis. He just has a brain that works differently to mine. There are so many things his brain can do and work out that mine can’t. We know and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses. I know not to send him long WhatsApp messages, or expect him to write and give speeches at family events. Just the same as he knows that I often need the obvious pointing out to me, even when it’s right under my nose.
Understanding ourselves beyond labels
I was ruminating on all this on my way home from my last therapy session. Whether I eventually receive a diagnosis or not, in my case it won’t make a huge difference. At this point in my life, I don’t feel I need medication, or major adjustments in various situations. I just need to make good connections with genuine people who want to take the time to get to know and understand me, how I navigate the world, that my heart is in the right place, and in any given situation I am always endeavouring to do my absolute best to protect my values, while also considering the needs and feelings of others. Yes, sometimes, being around me requires patience, but I also bring passion, love, empathy and compassion to the table.
Isn’t this, basically, what we all need. Whether we are neurodivergent, neurotypical, or somewhere in between, what we all need is for other people to get to know us as individuals. Each with our own set of needs, moral codes, values, and ways of seeing and navigating the world and life. None of us are just a label or diagnosis. Yes, these can absolutely be important in leading to understanding and support, but recognition that every person is individual is just as valuable.
Maybe the hole needs to change too
My therapist summed this up by suggesting that instead of me seeing myself as a square peg that should make myself fit into a round hole, maybe it’s the round holes that should be making space for me! I don’t need to fix myself, or try to mould myself to fit in with others. Relationships are a two-way experience.
Sometimes we don’t just need an explanation; we also want permission to stop criticising ourselves, and to love ourselves exactly as we are.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, whether you’ve experienced something similar, or whether this has simply made you pause and think about the way you see yourself.
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